How To Deal With The Loss Of A Pet

It's inevitable. . .our pets never live as long as we would like and they eventually pass from a disease, accident, or old age. How can we navigate the grief and keep our pet's memory alive?

I conducted a video interview with Augusta O'Reilly, a clinical veterinary social worker. The transcript is below the video.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kUE-wjFmtUE

Hi, it's Beverly from the Well-Trained Dog and Pet Care, and September is National Pet Memorial Month. Joining me today is Augusta O'Reilly, a licensed clinical veterinary social worker with the Virginia-Maryland School of Veterinary Medicine in Blacksburg. We'll be talking about something that we all experience, but we don't discuss all that much, and that is grief after the death of a pet.

Now, there's something called anticipatory grief, and that's when we know our pets are going downhill, and that's a whole other topic that we could discuss at some other time. But right now, I just want to talk about grief after the death of a pet, so welcome, Augusta.

Thank you. I'm looking forward to the conversations. Always meaningful to have these.

People have compared the death of a pet to the death of a family member. How can that be?

Absolutely. A lot of the families that I work with and support have shared that sometimes the loss of their pet is even more impactful or profound than losing a parent or an uncle or an aunt, and I think it's for a number of reasons. Ones that I keep coming back to through reading about grief, upcoming research articles and things like that is one of the reasons it's so significant is because our pets are with us all the time.

They are our shadows in most cases. They are always with us. Highs, lows, good, bad, they're always there, and so that consistency is what our brain really wraps around, and so we're seeing that impact of you have this being or creature with you every single day most of the time, especially if you work from home 24-7, you're always with them, and so that alone is very impactful when we look at our brain chemistry, our bonds, but then we also have this aspect of unconditional love.

Our animals love us through the good and the bad. There's no judgments. Depending on the animal, they don't typically talk back. They don't give us much sass like our children or our partners do, and so we have that unconditional love as well, and so I think with the combination of those two things, it is very impactful when they leave us.

And then we also look at this third kind of component of the environment or our society. Typically when we look at our family members or our parents, for example, we're trained to, once we get to a certain age, we're preparing ourselves that, okay, our parents are going to pass, or our families, we start to grieve them much like we do with our animals, but it's a little bit more normalized. There's more supports. There's more grief supports for widows, for aging parents. There's ongoing support leading up to the loss of our parents or our family members, so it's much more supported from a community standpoint than when our animals pass, which is why pet loss is that disenfranchised grief. So I think there's a lot of components, but from my work, my coworkers' work and research, those are kind of those three consistencies that come up.

And I think, too, a lot of us have that nurturing aspect of our personalities, whether we have children or we had children and they're gone from the home and now we still want to nurture, but what do we do? And so we're nurturing that animal, and when that's not there anymore, that's a huge change in our life.

Yeah, yeah, 100%, it's a part of who you are and it's a part of your identity, especially being in the veterinary community. We come into this work because we love animals, because we want to provide the care, and so when we can't or when they pass, it hits really hard.

Do you find grief is different if a pet crashes? Something happens, you take them to the emergency room, emergency vet, and they die there versus, okay, my pet is getting older and they're slowing down and now they're sick and now I've got to make the decision and things like that.

Yeah, yeah, there is a difference. I think a lot of it is in that initial grief period, in the moment and then the past few days. So a lot of it is just that processing. You typically don't get a chance to process when it comes to an emergency or a very sudden process. So there's a lot of more heightened emotions, a lot more impact.

I've seen a lot more crying, a lot of why, why is this happening, I don't understand. So a lot of unanswered questions, whereas when they pass a little bit more gradually or it's prepared, you have that time to process it and to really come to terms with it. So a lot of the work for emergencies or very sudden, you have to do that work before you really start to grieve the process and start that grieving process is what we typically see.

I saw a recent Facebook post that someone had lost their pet and she said she was sad and angry and actually she felt relief because the pet had been ailing for some time, but then she felt guilty for feeling relief.

Yeah, yeah, 100%. It's one of those that we see even in our human counterparts, that sigh of relief when A, our pets aren't suffering anymore or you have the chance to breathe and kind of take care of yourself. The amount of clients and myself included when they're like, I'm kind of looking forward to going on this vacation. I don't have to worry that Fluffy or Brownie is uncomfortable or that, oh, did they get their medications on time? Are they okay with the pet sitter? And so like this weight is lifted, but then you feel guilty because it's like, well, do I want them to pass?

So it's a lot of conflicting emotions, but I always tell my clients that you can feel both of those emotions at the same time and they're both true. And it doesn't mean that you are lesser than or that their relationship was lesser than.

So it's such a tricky thing to navigate. But yes, you feel guilty for feeling relief, but I think that reframing is so important of you feel relief because maybe they're comfortable. You know that they're not in pain anymore or you know that they're not gonna be suffering or when is that moment gonna come? So I think it's also being a little bit reflective of why do I feel this relief? Because often those are rooted in very lovable, meaningful reasons.

And speaking of feeling guilty, I've had clients that will just within a few days go out and get a new pet and some wait years to get a new pet. Some people will rush out and get a new pet, not realizing that they haven't completely processed the grief and then they start resenting the new pet. And then there can be conflicts in the family. So how do you work through that?

Yeah, and those are definitely challenging ones because I've had clients do the same thing where they get a brand new puppy and I don't think that's wrong because we also have to look at why do we love animals so much? They help us through so many hard things, through so many ups and downs in life. And so it makes sense that we want to seek that out again, right? Like we want to have that schedule because puppies and animals, they give us that. They give us that consistency that we really do crave, especially when our world has kind of been turned upside down after a loss.

So we look at kind of why are you wanting a new puppy or a kitten or whatever? Is it for that consistency? Is it to start the healing process? And so I do a little bit of work around that of what is the reason why? And I think that opens up some things too because if we're having these conversations and we're getting to the root of why you want a new family member, that's also part of grieving too because you're identifying what you've missed, what do you not have anymore? And those conversations can start to separate out the new family member versus the old family member as well.

And so I think it's definitely having a frank conversation with whoever you feel safe with, whether it's your family members or your friends virtually of why do you want this pet? Why are you choosing to bring it into your life? And really knowing that it's not gonna be the same. And sometimes people will postpone grieving.

I think that's one of the luxuries that we have of grief is that it's always gonna be there. And so whenever the time is right for you, that's when you can grieve. I've had people that will bury themselves in work because that's just what they need to do right now because they can't process it. And so eventually processing it is important, but sometimes getting that new family member is what you need to kind of keep your bearings and keep your head on straight. But the resentment can definitely happen. So that's where it's important to have those conversations.

I've heard from a lot of clients that their dog passes at 14, 16, something like that. Then they get a puppy and they go, oh, I'd forgotten because they had been so set in their ways with the pet that had passed. And two, I think you need to look at the other pets in your household.

If you have one pet at a time or one pet that passes and it's completely empty, your household, versus Zippy passed and I still don't have a second dog. I mean, I have Hokie, but then I had to worry about do I, she's older, do I get a puppy with her? Is she going to accept it? So you open another can of worms. So you gotta worry about that part of the equation as well.

And I think it's definitely one of those, you have to look at the whole family system, including your other animals, if you have them, because that's a big adjustment too, because they have, animals go through a grieving process too and is that new puppy or kitten gonna cause distress to the seniors?

I had that with my, I have a 13 year old cat and she lost her essential litter mate, but housemate, and we waited about a year. She was thriving and we took a chance of getting kittens. And so it was one of those that we did a slow introduction because she was thriving as a senior cat, but we also knew that she was our only cat left and that was going to be really hard for my child and us when she passes, but it took a few months, but everybody is content now.

But it was definitely one of those of like, talk to your vet, talk to your dog trainers and things like that to really see what's best for everybody.

So what are some ways that people can work through their grief? Like maybe create a scrapbook or something like that?

Yeah, I'm a big believer and what has helped me and some other clients that really resonate is starting a new routine. So a big kind of motto is continuing to honor the bond even though they're no longer physically here. So a nice way to do that is to create like a new routine that still includes the bond with your animal that passed.

So what I mean by that is maybe morning meditations or journal writing where you're talking to your pet if that was something that was really impactful or I've had clients that will after work because they're so used to their dog coming up and greeting them after work, they'll go maybe where they're buried or where their ashes are and they'll spend time with them and kind of recap the day. So it's a little bit of both.

So I'm a big component of that. And then also doing things with our hands like scrapbooking is a wonderful outlet because it's that creative process. You're looking at memories and you're creating something new.

I also really liked the idea of creating a memorial where you can go and visit because that's one of the things that is very specific to how humans memorialize and grieve their human counterparts where we don't do that with our animals. So I think creating a place where you can go and visit or kind of hold space for them. So I was one, what I do is I collect plants.

So when a pet passes, I get a specific plant for them. And so it kind of goes into that nurturing but it's also something that you can see flourish. And if you have a green thumb, that's also a key.

But yeah, I've had owners that will plant trees or have a bench outside. It's just a nice place to continue to honor that bond after they've left.

And speaking of creating things, the Virginia Tech School of Veterinary Medicine now has a butterfly project. Talk a little bit about that.

Yeah, so that was something we came up with. We have a new comfort room where folks can visit with their in-hospital and kind of get out of the treatment room. And so they can visit with their pet but it's also a place where they can say goodbye to their pet with dignity. So it's more of like a home space. And we wanted to create something that really connected the people that do the work and take care of the animals to kind of connect it back to the family.

So we have these 3D wooden butterflies and our nurses and doctors and students painted a butterfly in honor of a pet that is with them or that had passed and we have it on the wall. And so it was kind of a nice living memorial that we can slowly add to every year. And it's just a way to show that we're with you and that our animals are always with us in some capacity.

What resources do you have for those grieving from the loss of a pet?

Yeah, there's a lot of great resources now coming out. So Lap of Love is a wonderful resource. They do have support for in-home euthanasia in the Blacksburg area now but they have a lot of great resources for anticipatory grief, end of life, things like that. The Virginia Tech, the Veterinary Teaching Hospital, I also have a blog on there that has a list of resources. There's wonderful support groups. The Association for Pet Loss and Bereavement is a great organization that's been around for a number of years that focuses on peer support, pet loss, chat groups and things like that.

So I definitely recommend those. And then there's lovely podcasts now. So I can definitely get you those information but those are the big ones that come to mind for sure.

Anything else that you want viewers to know?

As cliche as it sounds that we all go through this and you're definitely not alone even though it feels so isolating to lose your companion and that there are people out there that understand that really truly feel that our animals are our family members, are our children, are our partners in these lives. So that we're here and you can always reach out.

Okay, thank you Augusta.

Augusta O'Reilly, a licensed clinical veterinary social worker with the Virginia Maryland School of Veterinary Medicine in Blacksburg.

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Beverly Amsler is the owner of The Well-Trained Dog & Pet Care. She has been a professional dog trainer, dog walker, and pet sitter since 2014.  Beverly is a Certified Dog Trainer through the Victoria Stilwell Academy and a Certified Professional Pet Sitter through Pet Sitters International.  She is a member of the Texas Pet Sitters Association and the Association For Professional Dog Training.  Before starting her business, Beverly spent more than 30 years as a journalist for newspapers, magazines, and radio and television stations in Pennsylvania, Maryland, Virginia, Indiana, and Utah. Learn more about Beverly.